Things I Want To Tell You

It’s been three months, but there’s still so much I want to tell you.

I want to tell you about the places I want to visit this year. I want to go surfing in La Union, watch the sunrise in Kiltepan Peak in Sagada, go hiking in Mt. Pinatubo and go overnight camping in Mt. Pulag.

I want to tell you that I’m planning to go on a solo trip again. I want to ask you if it’s a good idea to go to Siem Reap or in Hanoi, take in the culture of the cities and just be the independent girl everyone expects me to be.

I want to tell you that I really want to go to Timberland because it has nice views but also want to tell you how hard I think it is to actually bike there and ask you about how I can eventually do it. Should I practice on a lot of trails first? Or are my weekend biking trips at the village enough?

I want to tell you that aside from my blockmates, I’m still looking for other friends to bike with. Just so I could have more friends to ask about all the biking stuff.

I want to tell you that I want to join the Olympics at the gym, but I still have to work really hard to actually compete. Remember the yellow kettlebell? I have to be able to lift and snatch that with ease without getting tired easily.

I want to tell you about my dreams, how I want to finally be able to go to graduate school this year. I told you in passing last year, but I still want to tell you this year. I want you to know that it scares me to think that the outcome might not be what I want.

I want to tell you about all the good food I tried in many restaurants recently. The chicken in senor pollo? The formaggi pizza in friuli? The onion rings in 8cuts? They’re all very delicious. I also want to tell you that I’ve been in love with shawarma recently.

I want to tell you that I’m not good at inviting people on Fridays and Saturdays but I really enjoy the company of friends on weekends to talk about random things.

I want to tell you that aside from going on adventures, I want to visit museums too and go on random trips on weekends to eat isaw and balunbalunan.

I want to tell you that my work has been awesome the past months, and I’ve been learning a few things about engineering. It’s interesting, but it has math involved in it. I still cringe at the idea of numbers.

I want to tell you that it’s okay, it’s okay to fail sometimes because there are many more chances to try again. I’ve failed numerous times and I still keep on failing, but I’ve been trying. Try again. Success is just in the corner.

I want to tell you that I saw you six consecutive times last year, but I pretended that I didn’t. Maybe it’s too much for me to think that seeing you was like seeing a stranger. That’s too much. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t accept it. I don’t want to accept it.

I want to tell you that sometimes, it’s you who I want to tell every new thing I experience. All this excitement in my heart, I want someone to know. I want to tell you but I couldn’t.

I want to tell you that I’m still here but I’m still both near and far from you. I want to tell you how you made me smile at random stuff, how you made me realize different things.

Most of all, I want to tell you that I’m okay. I’m trying. God must be answering my prayers because I think that you are okay and happy. Maybe.. I think I’ll be fine with that. For now..

…but I still want to hear your voice again and say hello.. Again.. Again..

Lastly, I want to tell you that I’m writing it down here because I know you’re mad and I’m afraid of you and I couldn’t talk to you anymore even if I wanted to..

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