I dread this time of the year. Something sad, disappointing and utterly frustrating happens at the exact same dates. Last year at the same month, I was rushed to the hospital, subjected to the worst kind of pain ever and literally just broke down. I was a girl hurt by one too many. My friends helped me get back up, but the person I thought that would save me from all the pain, didn’t. It was miserable. But I slowly and very surely rose up again. Even though everyone seemed to ruin everything, including RUINING ALL THE HAPPY FEELINGS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY, I stood up. I didn’t need anyone, I just needed myself.
But I won’t go back to last year’s story. I can already feel my heart breaking just by the thought of it. I’d tell you about what happens when the heart wins.
You become happy when the heart wins. But you’ll become messed up. You’ll be confused as hell you don’t know what to do. You won’t care what other people think because you will only care about who and what your heart is beating for. You’ll lose sight of everything because you only want to entertain the beauty that is love. Basically, you’ll drown and for some reason, no one will be there to save you.
That’s what happens when you let your heart win. That’s what you get. That’s what I got. I lost sight. I didn’t use my brain. I was the very definition of YOLO. I wanted to feel alive because I could feel my heart beating so fast. I was SO happy. I woke up everyday feeling really excited, but there were days when I would just curl up with my pillow and let the tears fall. I was both happy and sad. I was unsure of all the things said to me but I’d believe it anyway because I let my heart take over.
I let my heart win because I wanted to and now this. Like last year, I can feel my heart shatter right before me. I don’t know what to do. I told myself I won’t let this kind of feeling happen to me again, but it;s happening. And I’m deeply terrified. I’m so young and yet so hurt and I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to find comfort in words. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do what I did last year.
I don’t know how I’d be strong enough to face you, knowing how much I let my heart win because of you and knowing how much I believed every single sweet word.
I’m afraid and so vulnerable.